Thursday, October 18, 2012

I'm a model?

I am now a "model" at a company called Real People...I'll go ahead and let that sink in.

Now, you may have a lot of questions running through your head right now.  I'll list some below:
- WTF?  No, really, what the f#$%?
- What company would hire YOU as a model?
- Was this when you "bought a mattress" and the two guys were with you in the room?  You left out the 'real' ending didn't you?  The one where they brought cameras...
- Weren't you trying to get a career-type job?
- How did this happen?

I'll start by answering the last question and hopefully when I'm done the rest will be answered as well.  First off, pale is the new tan.  Mark my words, the trend is only a season away.

So, I'm browsing the job site, doing a little job searching, cha know, getting crazy...starting a party...when I run across this thing that says: "looking for real people".  Well, as you know, I am real.  Annnnd, also job-less.  Naturally, idle hands...something I went ahead and signed up.  By signed up, I mean that I sent them my professional resume, no picture, and had an interview a few days later.  I think they saw "engineer" on the resume and thought "wow, this guy IS real!" right?  Or, more likely, everyone gets an interview that signs up...

I went.  After waiting an hour and a half in the lobby...when I was respectfully on time...I met with a very chatty individual who culminated his speech by saying I have a "very commercial face".  Let's keep this in perspective...the "hiring manager" for the 'talent company' said this.  Which means, it could have been true...but likely he just wanted my bid-nass (business).  For argument's sake, we'll go ahead and assume his statement is true...  Also, I did NOT need him to say: "and it looks like you're a bit shorter, which is good.  It's good to be shorter for the camera because they do wide shots.  You know Tom Cruise right?  He's great for the camera.  And you're roughly his height, *maybe* even a little taller."  #$%&&#$% Yes, I know who Tom Cruise is.  And, well, I was going to go on a rant about how much taller I am than him but after looking him up's apparently pretty close.  Touché Mr hiring manager... touché.

Went back for the photos.  Yes, I had to pay money.  Yes, I feel retarded.  And yes, if I get a single gig as anything (extra in movie, extra in TV show, extra in commercial, in the background of any print ad, etc) it's paid for itself 3 times over.  Annnnd yes, I did rationalize it to myself as an 'experience' in life.  So what the hell right?  Get some pictures taken, pay a little money, get down tonight.  Anyway...I'm there for pictures and I did NOT ask the camera guy if he wanted the first pictures to be pants on or off...but dammit I wanted to.  Sadly, I just thought the rest of the time would be far too awkward...but had I known it would be awkward anyway (mainly due to me), I would have.

I brought 4 changes of outfit.  4 sounded right.  Who the hell knows how to do this anyway, right?  My name is not Avery Freeland and I am not dashingly handsome with my handbag...I'm Nick and I'm more likely to trip on the lighting surrounding the set than to be in GQ.  That said, I spent the remainder of the time laughing very hard (at myself), not looking at the camera (even though by the end he was almost pleading with me to do so), and shifting from left-hand-left-pocket to right-hand-right-pocket.  I can now see why models can get away with being vapid, this is not a mentally taxing endeavor.  He assured me I was doing fine.  I assured him I wasn't.

Halfway through the photo shoot, my self-deprecating sense of humor got the better of him and he showed me the person before me that he was photographing.  She. Was. Beautiful.  And, I definitely didn't need him to give me that look of "FML, I go from you?"  I may have won him over with some jokes...but I did not win anything with style or ability.  Apparently, somewhere in a model's vapidness, they do at least learn to stop, wait for shutter sound, move to new position, repeat.  I...did not learn this.  Not even after 45 minutes.  I did, however, perfect the blank which, he made sure to show me what I looked like on his camera...multiple times.  If one were to dissect the message he was trying to get across, it had to be this: "look asshole, I shoot kids who do this better than, let me show you the stupid faces you keep making."  Again, naturally, I laughed harder.  And c'mon now, how is a tiger pose not "showing the camera attitude"?  Some people can win by looks (aforementioned Avery), I...need le tigre, blue steel, and magnum (this is a Zoolander reference for those wondering where I've run off to this time).

Lastly, my mission: to be paid for photos that are so air brushed you hardly even recognize me.  That...may have to go on the bucket list.

If the pictures aren't paralyzingly embarrassing, I'll post some when I get them in a couple weeks amid applying for real career jobs (which btw I had some good luck recently).  Otherwise, let your imagination run free!  Free with me?  This is a terrible way to end a blog post.


  1. ...imagination running....
    I am tired

  2. You're too sexy for your photos. Too sexy for your photos. Too sexy for your photo shoot. So sexy it hurts.

  3. I love how you write like you talk! Lol!! I can't wait to see the pics that you will post!!